Duuuuuuuuude!
by Mickidona
Summary: ...this cannot really be explained. America and Prussia have a talk about random stuff. Implied AmeriPan and PruAus. Rated T for excessive swearing.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

AN

_Another roleplay fic. This… is pretty insane. You have been warned. _

_There is a _lot_ of swearing in this, but I censored it, so you won't be corrupted or anything. I was Gilbert in this. If you think that you were Alfred, say so in a review or PM me, and I'll acknowledge you. Enjoy! =^-^=_

/AN

Prussia strolled casually down the deserted street. It was past midnight, and he was enjoying being alone. He was most certainly drunk, but who really expected otherwise? A fellow drunk stumbled up the path towards him. He squinted at the man before recognising the familiar cowlick.

"Alfie!"

"Dude, sup!"

"Wazzup!"

"Duuuuude!"

"Duuuuuuuuuuude! It's so awesome to see ya man, I haven't spoken to you in like, forever!"

"I know! You're awesome, and I'm the hero, so we're like, the best! We need to talk more."

"We totally do man! We're like, the best team. The awesome heroes!"

"Yesssssss, exactly!"

"Man, this is shaping up to be a totally awesome day!"

"Awesome!"

Silence fell as the two plastered men stumbled around, slapping each other on the back. A sudden thought struck Prussia.

"Hey man, I just had the best idea! We should invent potato burgers!"

"Oh my god, you are a genius!"

"And… cola flavoured beer!"

"Yessssssssss!"

"Holy sh*t man, I think my life is complete!"

"Sh*t dude, you are a true genius."

The two stood there, marvelling at their own wisdom and insight, when Prussia suddenly faltered.

"Wait a sec. Can you like, cook, or invent sh*t?"

"Um, no… can you?"

"F*ck no! I kinda burned down West's kitchen, so…"

America stumbled, nearly fell down, and grabbed onto Prussia, only succeeding in pulling them both into the gutter. A further revelation struck the former nation. He really was the ideas man that night.

"I know! We'll get Kiku all over this sh*t!"

"F*ck yes! Let the kidnapping of Kiku begin!"

"Aw yiss, that bitch won't know what hit him!"

Prussia stopped talking, frowning slightly. He could feel the alcohol beginning to lose its grip on him as he considered the polite Japanese man.

"Except, ya know, that he's not really a bitch. But that's irrelevant!"

America's brow also furrowed.

"We're not really gonna hit him, right?"

Prussia scoffed.

"No dude, that would be so un-awesome"

"Okay, non-violent kidnapping!"

"Yeah, just like the awesome heroes we are!"

"Yeah, because violence towards adorable people is like, so unheroic."

"Wait a sec, adorable?" Prussia turned to face America, a goofy grin on his face. "Holy sh*t dude, you have a thing for Kiku!"

**AN**

_Okay, I'm gonna end chapter one there. This is really just a whole lot of seriously random dialogue, so most of the chapters will end in weird places. I just don't want to upload the full six thousand (!) words in one go. Slight cliffhanger there too, ha ha. Please review, I love getting input!_

**/AN**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"You have a thing for Kiku!"

"I- I do not!" America stuttered.

"You so do!" Prussia teased.

"I so don't!" The blonde protested.

"Then why did you call him adorable?" Shot back the albino.

"…I am simply stating a fact," mumbled the American after a pause.

"So you think he's adorable then?" Prussia cackled his trademark laugh; "Kesesesese~!"

"Aaaah!" America screamed.

"What?" Cried Prussia, reeling back in shock.

"I think I might have a thing for Kiku!"

"Oh my god man, I know! That's so f*cking adorable!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is! Man, you're all blushy and defensive, it's so cute!"

"N-no!"

"Ja! Ja ja ja! It make so much sense dude, cos you're always playing his games and going to his house and stuff!"

"That could totally just be friendship"

"Dude, you have to cross an entire ocean to get to his place."

"So?"

"That's pretty intense dude, I just have to go next door."

Prussia froze, turned slowly towards America, and winced at the goofy grin on the blonde's face.

"Sh*t… Never mind that, I said nothing! La la la…"

"Woah!"

"Nope!"

"What?"

"Nope! Nothing! Nada, zero, zilch!"

"Excuse me?"

"You're excused!"

"Wait a minute!"

"No waiting! No minutes!"

"Much waiting! Many minutes!"

"Okay, fine! What?"

"Is it…" Alfred lost his train of thought, staring goofily into the night.

"What?" Gilbert yelled, snapping the American back to reality.

"Goddammit man, just tell me if my suspicions are true! Who is it?"

"I'm not gonna f*cking tell you!"

"I f*cking told you about Japan!"

Prussia scoffed, the two men suddenly enemies.

"I figured that out on my own!"

_It was pretty obvious anyway_… he thought to himself.

"Fine! If you don't tell me, then I'm gonna tell Ludwig you're in _love_ with him!" The American smirked, folding his arms.

Gilbert blanched visibly.

"What the f*ck?! He's my bruder!"

"I don't give a f*ck!" The handsome blonde cackled.

"Okay man, fine! Geez…"

_Stupid American, always has to get his way…_

"Uh, I'm kinda… fond of…"

Alfred silently urged him on with that cheesy grin of his, while Gilbert cringed, whispering;

"The priss…"

The American's bright azure eyes lit up in excitement, and he laughed enthusiastically, clutching his stomach.

"Oh my god, this is perfect!"

"What? Stop laughing! No!"

"Geez, this is amazing!"

"Dude. You're so _weird_."

Alfred reached out and grabbed the albino's pale cheeks, squeezing and pulling them like a child.

"Gilbert has a crush!" He sang, annoying the Prussian immensely.

"Stop! Don't call me Gilbert!" He whined.

"Giiiiiiilberrrrrrrrt!" The American crowed at the top of his voice.

"Stop!"

"Never!"

"Come on dude," the Prussian begged, gazing plaintively at Alfred.

"Ugh, fine," grumbled the handsome blonde.

"Besides, you're in love with Japan, how is that any different?

"Because he's Japan," the American replied simply, as though that answered everything.

"Well yeah man, and Roddy is Roddy, what's your point?"

"Wait a sec…" a diabolical grin began to grow upon Alfred's face. "Who said anything about love?"

Gilbert froze.

"Nobody. Nobody said that!"

"You just did!"

"No I did not!"

"The evidence is documented!"

"F*ck…"

Alfred cocked his head at the albino, a cheeky smirk on his face. Gilbert sighed in resignation.

"Well, now you know. And you will tell this to nobody!"

"Dude, of course!" The American promised. "So are we gonna go kidnap Kiku or what?"

"Alright then!" Prussia grinned slyly at America; time for a little payback. "Just keep your hands in G rated places dude. Kesesesese!" He laughed his trademark cackle at the affronted look on the American's face.

"F*ck you! You'd better not tell him!"

"I won't dude," promised the albino. "Cos then you'd tell Roddy, and then I'd be f*cked. And not in the good way."

"You never know about that," smirked the American, winking.

"He's celibate dude. Either way, no frickle freckle."

Alfred winced.

"Ouch…"

"Ja," sighed Gilbert, "but it's not really about that I guess."

"Nah. I get you bro. Kiku doesn't even let me hug him."

"I know man, he's so conservative. Greece totally reckons they fricked though."

Alfred blanched.

"I'm shuddering," he groaned, shaking his head in horror.

"Heh heh," Prussia chuckled at the blonde's discomfort. "Greece is pretty insane though, he probably just dreamed it," he said reassuringly.

"That… would not surprise me."

"I dream some crazy sh*t sometimes. Like this one time, I dreamed that Feli actually _is_ a girl and we were like, _double_ fooled. It was messed up."

"Woah man." The American pondered that for a moment. "I dreamed that Romano was nice. That was pretty weird."

"That… is freaky," replied Prussia. He thought for a moment. "He's actually really nice to tourists though. I saw him helping this random lost girl and I was like, 'what?'"

This made Alfred snicker, although he looked a little disturbed.

"Well sociopaths _can_ mimic human emotions…"

"I guess. You know, he is totally fricking Antonio."

"Oh, definitely," the blonde nodded energetically. "Hey, are Feli and Ludwig f*cking?"

The albino recoiled, cringing at the thought.

"I… really don't wanna think about that…"

"I'm pretty sure they are!" Alfred said adamantly.

Gilbert put his head in his hand and groaned.

"Dude, this is my little bro we're talking about. Let's not go there."

"Okay, okay," America relented.

"I mean, imagine if Canada was fricking someone."

"Oh shit!" The American looked towards his friend in horror. "Mattie is gonna be _devastated_."

"What?"

"He uh, kinda has a huge crush on you. And I mean _huge_."

**AN**

_I know, I know, that was a terrible place to end it. But this chapter is already nearly one thousand words, and the next chapter is going to be quite a bit longer. So suck it up. Ah, just kidding, I love you all. Don't forget to review!_

**/AN**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The Prussian stared at the blonde in shock.

"Sh*t… seriously?"

"I wouldn't lie about that sh*t."

"Woah…" Gilbert scratched the back of his head, confused. "Why the actual f*ck does he like _me_?"

"I have no clue. But, he does."

"That is really weird. I _never_ saw that coming. I mean, he's a great kid and all but… woah." The Prussian shook his head, baffled.

"He must never know," stated the American, like a line out of a gangster movie. That's probably where he heard it too.

"I think that's probably for the best," Gilbert sighed, suddenly very philosophical. "He's pretty fragile. He tries not to show it but… poor kid."

"Yeah…" Alfred shook his head sadly, thinking of his little brother. "He's like, one scratch away from breaking."

"Dude, you need to spend more time with him," chided the albino. "He misses you, and you always forget about him! That's so not cool."

"Dude, I miss him too. But whenever I try to see him, France or England drag me away… they reckon I'm a bad influence."

"You kinda are dude, what with the junk food and stuff." Gilbert frowned. "But Mattie kinda eats a lot of junk food too. You're all salt and grease, and he's all candy and sugar. And what is with the maple syrup?"

"I don't know bro, it's _always_ been his comfort food."

"He puts it on _everything. _Even in coffee, like, what the hell. That's too much." The albino's pale cheeks flushed a little and he cleared his throat. "Cos, ya know, it's not like I put potato on everything."

"Liar," chuckled the American. "We all have that one obsession. His is syrup, mine is burgers."

"I just love kartoffel so much…"

"Yeah… I'm glad he has hockey as an emotional outlet."

"If that's what you call that torture!" Gilbert grabbed his side and winced. "I still have bruises dude!"

"Ha ha, he _is_ pretty brutal."

"I'm not a very sporty person, unless you call sword fighting a sport." The Prussian was quite proud of his skills with a sword, but the American only shook his head.

"I don't."

"Ja, well…" he shrugged. "I never even really learned how to shoot a gun. That was always West's thing."

"You probably should."

"Nah bro, no point now. No more country, no more wars." Sadness crept into his voice. "Kinda sucks… I liked war."

"Unless Mattie finds out you're into Roderich," his friend warned.

"I really don't want that to happen. Poor kid would probably die." He really did care about the humble Canadian. "He's already damaged enough."

"I definitely know that," the American sighed, his hands going to his wrists. What had started out as a light-hearted evening had quickly turned sombre. The Prussian also glanced towards his wrists, frowning.

"So you know about the cutting?"

"Yes…"

"You gotta do something about that dude, he won't listen to me."

"England and France won't let me talk to him!" Alfred protested. "They think I'm gonna make things worse. I'm really worried…"

"Sh*t…" The albino grated. "Why does he cut? Is it because of people ignoring him, or forgetting about him? Or is there something else?"

"I think it's mostly feeling lonely and unimportant," Alfred sighed, "but he won't talk to us. I wish I knew the reason."

"Do you know if there's anyone else he talks to?"

"Dude, I think he only talks to that bear."

"I was kinda hoping there was someone he could move on to, but a bear? Nope." He exhaled, chin in hands. "Well, does anyone like Mattie? Ya know, _like_ like."

"People don't really get to know Mattie," the American said, thinking hard. He cringed a little. "Maybe Ivan?"

"Ivan _does_ spend a lot of time with Mattie… does he even have emotions though?"

"I don't know. That f*cker better not have anything to do with this…"

"Dude, he's not as bad as you say he is."

"I know he's not bad," protested Alfred, earning a disbelieving look from Gilbert. "I just don't trust anyone near my brother!"

"You didn't seem to mind that one time when I spent two weeks at his place!" Prussia pointed out. "You just hate Russia."

"No, it was cos I know you!" The American shot back. "And you know that if you ever hurt Mattie I'd beat the sh*t out of you. Ivan and I don't have those implied rules."

"Come on dude, like you could take me," scoffed the Prussian. "And Russia wouldn't hurt Mattie, remember that time Belarus tried to stab him? Russia was right there man, he was like a…well like a hero."

"One; I could totally take you. Two; when did that happen? That total f*cking b*tch!"

"Dude… it was last world meeting."

"Oh…" the American grinned sheepishly. "I think I was asleep…"

"Can't even look out for your own brother," the Prussian shook his head. "Geez. See, it's lucky Ivan was there, or he'd be dead."

**AN**

_Once again, I must end in a completely ridiculous place. The next chapter has a LOT of yelling, it's very angsty, and I want it to be separate from this one. Oh, and kartoffel is German for potato. Mmm, kartoffel… _

**/AN**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**AN**

_You shouldn't really need this warning, but there's bound to be someone who complains. This is basically all the angst that Gil and Alfred have been holding in over the years. Lots of yelling, lots of anger. A lot of my roleplays turn out like this… I have no idea why. But it gets pretty intense, and rather deep too, so be warned. Enjoy! =^-^=_

**/AN**

"See, its lucky Ivan was there, or he'd be dead."

"What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?" The American turned on his albino friend.

"He nearly got stabbed by a crazy chick, and you were asleep!"

"How the f*ck was I supposed to know that I can't sleep, because a f*cking grown country is a f*cking psycho?!"

"It was a world meeting!" Prussia pointed out. "I'm not even a country anymore, and I was still awake!"

"Don't you ever say I don't look out for Mattie," the American pointed a threatening finger at the albino. "It's not like I left him for _war_ all the f*cking time like you did with Ludwig!"

"At least I never declared war on my little brother!"

"Well you know what? I am a f*cking overworked, tired country. So I slept!"

And something inside the Prussian, something that had been stretched to breaking point for so long, finally snapped.

"At least you're still a country! At least people love you! Even Germania preferred West! Nobody loves me!" Gilbert yelled.

"They all hate me too!" the American countered.

"Everyone always thinks West is the golden boy! And you, you have England, Mattie, Japan, even f*cking France thinks you're great! I'm just left here in West's perfect shadow. I gave up _everything _for him! And just look where that got me"

"That's a f*cking lie!" Alfred screamed. "France and England think I'm a piece of sh*t, I'm sure Japan is annoyed by me too, and obviously I'm such a lousy f*cking brother that Mattie hates me! I'm just that annoying arsehole who eats too much! And no, you're not! I f*cking like you! Mattie f*cking likes you!"

"Matthew is a child, he doesn't understand!"

"Oh, Mattie understands _plenty_."

"It's just some silly crush…"

"Don't you _ever_ think less of Mattie's feelings! You don't know how many times I've had to hold him as he _cried_ about not being good enough for you!"

"You see?" the Prussian looked up bitterly. "You see what happens when I get close to people? I always end up _hurting_ them…"

"Well that's what happens when you love someone; you hurt!"

"You think I don't know about love?" The albino's crimson eyes flashed dangerously. "I know more about love than you _ever_ will, little boy."

"You may be older than me, but I know a _lot_ more than you think. I was raised by so many countries, I have so many personalities it makes my head spin, I have so much work to do I am _always _exhausted. Mattie and I have been through so much sh*t, we've loved people and had to watch them _die_, so don't you ever say we don't know as much as you do."

The Prussian glared with at the young American with such fury that the blonde flinched, backing away a step.

"Have you loved someone before you were even a true nation?" The albino spoke so calmly that it terrified Alfred.

"Have you loved them while they ignored you, refused to acknowledge your existence? Have you loved someone while watching them get married _twice_? Have you loved someone _so much _that you could _never_ tell them, for fear of them leaving you forever? It hurts, Alfred, more than you can ever know."

The Prussian looked up at the American with broken eyes.

"Then my own brother, who _everyone_ loved more, who was so successful even as a child, f*cking _dies_! And when he comes back, he doesn't even _remember _me, and I had to build up all of that trust again, only to have some pathetic Italian come and take him away from me again!"

A little sob fell from his lips, startling the blonde.

"I gave up my _country_ for him. I thought I was going to die!"

"You didn't."

"You think that makes it better? I didn't even get to be human! I just sit here, with nothing to do, no one who needs me, and it's going to be this way forever."

The American jumped up, frustrated at the Prussian's lack of insight.

"People f*cking need you, you asshat!" He yelled, startling Gilbert. "Life as a nation f*cking sucks; I would know! I've wanted to die _so_ many times. But you have to pretend that you don't give a sh*t and just move on! People like me, like Arthur, like Mattie. We didn't go through what you did, and I will _never _belittle your struggles, but we still f*cking need you! And _that_ is why you're still here!"

"…you need me?"

**AN**

_Okay, I'm going to end that there. Geez, that was _intense_! Sorry… But I guess it really goes to show; no matter how crappy you feel your life is, there is _always_ someone who will need you. Anyways, please review and all that jazz :D_

**/AN**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**AN**

_*promises to update PruAus fanfic*_

_*updates banter fanfic instead*_

_Sorry… I've got a LOT of schoolwork now, and very little room for creativity. This already has the dialogue mapped out, so it's a little easier for me. I am also writing a FrUk one, which you may have seen… I really need to get my smeg together. Anyways, enjoy!_

**/AN**

"You… need me?"

The Prussian stared at the angry blonde in shock.

_Why on earth would anyone need _me_?_

"Yeah, I f*cking need you! Who else is going to make up wild schemes with me, like kidnapping Japan to make potato burgers!?"

The two men stopped, staring at each other in shock. They blinked, the hell confused out of them, and they sat back down in the gutter.

"Dude… woah. That was intense…" The Prussian could think of nothing else to say.

"Yeah…" replied the equally dumbfounded American.

"Sorry man, kinda threw all that at you…" Gilbert chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I'm sorry too…" Alfred sighed, patting the albino heartily on the back. "You know, out of you and Ludwig? You're my favourite."

"Dude! Thanks," he grinned. "You're a pretty cool guy too, ya know. Everyone always says you only care about yourself, but they're wrong."

"I just don't show my real emotions much," the blond replied. "Only fake ones…"

"Yeah, same here dude. Wouldn't want West to get all mushy on me."

_Wouldn't want West to have to deal with all my sh*t, more like_

"And if Iggy found out how I felt about the revolution, that'd be bad.'

_I don't want him to know I cared…_

"I guess sometimes I forget you've been through a lot too," Gilbert said reassuringly, nudging Alfred chummily. "I mean, you're pretty young, but you've been in a lot of wars."

"Yeah, I'm not too proud of that…"

"It's cool dude, I've been in more wars than I can count! It's what I was born for. Germania just didn't think I'd be good enough, cos of the whole, ya know," he gestured towards his hair. "Albino thing."

"Well you were good enough," the American shrugged. "Then it was Ludwig's turn."

"I just wish he'd gotten to see that, you know?"

"You and Ludwig, together… I'm sure he'd be proud. You're both pretty great, and you proved him wrong. That's all that matters."

"I guess…" the albino replied slowly, a little awed by Alfred's insight. "I'm so proud of my little bruder. He didn't always do the right thing, but he did it with conviction. Like a true German."

"And I'm proud of Mattie," said the American, a little sadly. 'He hurts so much, but he's still there. And that takes a lot of strength."

"He's got a big heart, that kid," Gilbert sighed, sticking his elbows on his knees, and resting his chin in his hands. "He just needs something to do with it."

"I need to ease him out of love with you… then hopefully he'll find someone that he can be with."

"Yeah man," the albino shook his head slowly. "That's gonna be tough. I really hope he does find someone…"

"It'll take a while, but it needs to happen."

"Love…" Gilbert glanced at Alfred. "It's not something you get over easily. Look at me; I've been trying since the 1800s. Still not out of _that_ hole."

"You're never really over love, I guess. But you can reach a point where you realise that maybe you can love other people too. I want Mattie to realise that."

The two sat there, shoulder to shoulder, staring dejectedly at their respective laps.

"Do you think I should talk to him about this? I wouldn't mention Roddy…" Gilbert coughed, a pink flush spreading over his pale cheeks. "Uh, the priss," he corrected himself.

"I'm not sure what'd be best for him right now," frowned the blonde, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "I reckon we should go together."

"Good idea bro," he agreed, nodding. "Ugh, I am _so_ not good at this love sh*t."

"Ha, neither am I."

"It's so…" Gilbert searched for the right word. "Foreign."

"I know right? You'd think that since we've been around so much longer than the mortals that we could've figured it out, but…"

"No luck," sighed the albino, "I've been trying to figure it out for over two hundred years; still no clue."

"Love sucks," grimaced the American. "I hate feelings…"

"But that's the thing man, love doesn't suck," Gilbert pointed out. "I'm so happy around Roddy, I just want to watch him think, and lie on the floor while he plays piano, and hold his hand and sh*t… it's the fact that I can't that sucks."

"Yeah, I know…" Alfred sighed, laying back on the rough concrete. "I've never really had it go my way, so that's what sucks."

"I dunno man, Kiku's pretty fond of you," grinned the Prussian, giving Alfred a playful shove on the shoulder. "He's just super conservative."

"I don't know about that…" the blonde rubbed his eyes blearily, his voice allowing just a hint of sadness to show. "And I know he's conservative, but I'm so touchy that I just end up feeling dejected."

"Dude, he stayed hidden from the world for like, a million years," Gilbert pointed out. Okay, maybe he was exaggerating, but only a little. "It'll take some time for him to get used to your cuddliness."

"I know, it's just so frustrating!" Alfred threw his arms up, wincing slightly as they came back down to meet the rough asphalt. "Of course, I'm willing to wait all the time in the world for him, but I'd just like to know if he even likes me, at least."

A pause, a sh*t-eating grin from Gil, and a groan from Alfred.

"God, I sound like a teenage girl!"

**AN**

_I know, strange place to end it. But it's getting kinda long and I like to keep my chapters reasonably short, so tough cookies. Sorry for updating like, NOTHING, I've been super busy with school, and I kinda failed a maths test… I mean, come on, it's MATHS. I'm good at maths, it's my best subject! So I've been devoting a lot of time to that, and I haven't been writing much, and yeah…_

_I'm thinking of re-writing the first few chapters and putting in some more stuff in between the dialogue. Thoughts? Stick it in a review, and I shall deliver. Oh, and check out some of my other fics, I'm updating them all sort of haphazardly, so you might like to read those updates too. Well, I'm gonna go write some more stuff, so cya! =^-^=_

**/AN**


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